The best is not enough

I am not the trophy girl. I never was, never will be. My best is simply not good enough. Every single time i look back in life, i have always been the one with the shortfall...like you get there but always have to settle for second best. Iv failed to be remarkable, and on top of that, put my hope in something that in a very short while could collapse me too. I hope that it will someday change.

Treading the unknown waters

Its my directorial debut. Sort of. I have done it before, but only on a much smaller scale...soooo I'm stressed to say the least. But on the brighter side, it is a good (or so I hope)play that I'm putting on, and have a great cast. Anyway, enough of that. Isn't it sad how when one thinks one is safe, one is at the mercy of history repeating itself? I mean I don't see how something that has been painstakingly built to last a while can just so easily look like its gonna fall apart. I often ask myself if the person opposite you has feeling in this case and whether or not it affects them too. The problem is that these days, everything that people come up with is just so damn believable, especially if there just happens to be a set of valid circumstances to back them up. so the question remains, should i keep on giving in the hope that eventually things will work out, or should i just leave it and return to my cold, closed up state? sometimes i just wish i could get reasons as to why these things happen. or why people act the way they do at times. i guess for a while i will be treading the unknown waters and hoping, praying even (not in a church though, i'm not that drastic) that things work out. hwever, this time i will get a reason. this time what is going on will be made clear before i go back to being how i was a few days ago. i shall not try in vain to save something that could be sinking, neither will i go through wht i went through last time. It just occured to me that i might be blowing it way out of proportion, but hey, one can never be too careful...

Missing things

Ok so its approximately two days to my birthday...the time that should be filled with happiness etc right? Well i guess it always is for me, but you know, i cant ignore the feeling of emptiness inside me anymore. I have spent every birthday wishing for something or someone and wanting something or someone...sad right? You could say so. Its exactly that want that generates the empty feeling...and im becoming increasingly despondent about it. Can life for once, just give me what i actually want on that day? Can i maybe just once, share it with someone special or close? They say that whoever said that happiness cant be bought just does not know where to shop, but i beg to differ. Yes on this day i shall get material goods that i will probably like alot, but what of my emotional state? That deserves to get spoilt too...to be made whole or something, or just to stop missing things...now that would be a better gift than most. Oh well, i wait in nonchalant state, and till then, i say rather cynically, that i expect pure joy will come in one of the packages, making it all better

Word for word

So...im lying in bed listening to some pretty cool music, and my mind automatically begins to sort the songs into categories, this one for love, that one for hatred, and then i see that there isn't really a song that matches what i feel about anything word for word. The song either gets it somewhat right (a few words in the chorus) or not really at all...but then again, in the greater scheme of things, even if that song does not express your point entirely or adds in unnecessary things (such as wanting to start a family when the crux of the lyrics are supposed to be about love and you yourself have no intention of bringing the family element into your relationship) it does not really matter. The one you love will see the deeper meaning and appreciate you all the more for it. So keep dedicating!

Back home

So I'm finally back home after a hectic week spent doing everything from planting trees to drumming. It was fun though...the people were amazing, so we ended the week off feeling happy etc etc etc lol. Now however its a different story. I got throat infection from the bus aircon, and my legs have seized up so im walking like a spastic chicken...cluck cluck...darn!!! O well i look forward to a week spent back home, walking oddly and croaking like a hag. And to top it all, Johannesburg is cold....Ouch.

Always there

The title of this Blog is contemplations. I dont know why i named it that, but i just did. Let me do it justic now by getting into details about why i started this Blog. Im on the road now at 10:44 pm to a place. Im well outside the city limits so its all pitch dark except for the kombi lights. Its because of this that i now fully notice the stars...usually one cannot really see them because of the city lights but like i said, we're well outside the range of those. It struck me that no matter how fast you drive, the stars are always there....silently still while we carry on with our motion course. They remain yet we move forward. They're always there. It made me realise that in a way i want to remain somewhere too...so i chose the web and created this Blog. Sure most say its like bearing yourself to a bunch of strangers, but really, one does not have to tell all in the end. So i hope people will enjoy reading this Blog as much as i enjoy creating it...

The past weekend...

So....this past weekend was our matric dance weekend. Fun right? Totally. Im not going to lie when i say that i have not partied that hard in ages and did end up suffering the side effects but who cares really? All i can say is that im completely for pushing the limits and push the limits i did indeed. Afterparty lasted til 5:30 am and finally after a whole night spent blissfully wasted i sobered up, then went to go watch the sun rise over Johannesburg which was truly awesome....my hair still smells like cigarette smoke, my mind is still lost in the music but hey....matric only comes once so yes...here's to what was a fantastic weekend!!